When Clayton Found Me

Maybe three or four days after we brought our little bundle home, I found myself awake at 1am. Or was it 2am, or 3am?  Sometime between the poop, the milk and the tears,  Clayton and I found each other.

I mean, we really found each other.  In the dark, our faces three inches away, his eyes found mine.  In the midst of chaos, all time stopped, as our eyes locked.  He searched my face as if to say, "So this is what you look like on the outside".  I countered with, "Oh, there you are".  The otherness I had been feeling since he was born  melted away and, in that moment, we became a team.  Just as though we had always been. 

Our initial curiosity became acceptance.  And trust. 

In my delirious state, this archetypal 30 seconds has proven to be the most pivotal experience of my life.  In that moment, this stranger in baby's clothing, became my son.  And I became his mom.

Being Clayton's Mom

After an unexpected twist to our "birth plan", we had a beautiful baby boy through a cesarean section.  We think he just really wanted to have a perfect head shape.  You know, to impress all the ladies...

I wasn't sure how I would take to being a mom.  I wasn't one of those girls who has dreamed about having babies her whole life.  In fact, I was pretty terrified.  But as it turns out, I have never been happier.

I feel at peace.  Happy without trying.  Content.  I actually didn't know this was possible.

Go figure.